Sam Venable  

Department of Irony

Now that summer is in full swing, it’s my pleasure to welcome swimmers, waders, skiers, boaters, anglers, sunbathers, picnickers, and other outdoor enthusiasts to the many and varied waterways of East Tennessee.

From TVA’s broad, open reservoirs to the babbling brooks cascading through the Great Smoky Mountains National Park and the Cherokee National Forest, we’re blessed with ample opportunities for leisurely aquatic pursuits. 

Typically, it is my duty to provide precautions, especially for newcomers to our shores. You know, the usual, common-sense stuff: Wear sunscreen and life jackets, don’t drink behind the wheel of a boat, watch out for paddlers and swimmers, be mindful of the potential damage caused by your boat’s wake, make sure your marine registration and fishing license are up to date, blah-blah-blah. 

But this year, there’s something else to worry about out there on the water—particularly if you’re a fisherman or fisherwoman, as the case may be. 

Bombs. As in “ka-blooey!” 

Right off the bat, the answer is no; I don’t expect this to be a common problem. Surely the likelihood of encountering a very dead, very swollen, very sunbaked, very explosive carp is 100,000 times greater than something that goes boom. 

But you never know. 

I bring this to your attention because of recent news in Canada. Seems that at a lake near Hanley, Saskatchewan, a fisherman hooked and lauded a real, live explosive device.

I am not making this up. As we speak, I hold a report quoting the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, who were called to the scene, confiscated the bomb, “neutralized it,” (the RCMP’s words, not mine) and “declared the reservoir safe for the public.” 

Naturally, this sent me to the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency’s fishing guide to see how to handle a similar situation on the fragrant waters of my home state. And wouldn’t you know it? Not a dad-blamed word about the best lure to use for a bomb, how to bring a bomb to the net, or how to clean one! 

I read about creel limits, size limits, possession limits, rod limits, unlawful species of fish to import into Tennessee waters, protected species that cannot be possessed, the trout stocking schedule, live bait regulations, reciprocal license agreements with adjacent states, hook regulations, contaminants in fish, state records—indeed, enough information that, if laid end-to-end, would likely stretch from Fort Loudon Dam to Kentucky Lake. But nothing about how to catch a bomb. What has this world come to? 

And don’t get started about how to cook one of these cockeyed things. You reckon bombs are best fried, baked, or grilled?  After neutralization, of course.

Sam Venable is an author, standup comedian, humor columnist for the Knoxville News Sentinel, and a member of the Tennessee Journalism Hall of Fame. His latest book is “WARNING! This Product Contains Nuttiness!” He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.